Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the
desires of your heart. ~Psalms 37:4
Friends, this has been a big week for me. True, I called in sick to my teaching job for
the first time on Wednesday, and I moved over the weekend, and my 4 year old car hit 50,000 miles, but what I’m really
talking about here is the fact that I have a boyfriend. For the first time in my life (at 25), I have
a boyfriend.
His name is Jon. He’s
a philosopher, enjoys in particular the philosophy of science and religion,
teaches at a community college, is involved in student ministry through Cru and
InterVarsity, listens to Christian metal, and plays electric guitar. We met when we carpooled together to a
Christian faculty conference IV was doing in Ohio in September. We had a mutual friend who suggested this
carpool, and, whether or not he hand a real hand in orchestrating this, we have
now labeled him as a schemer.
But really, the true schemer in this is the Holy Spirit.
Jon has his own story of the way God worked in his life up
until this point, and how God led him as he pursued me in the beginning. For me, in the past several years, I have
been growing in my understanding of how God wants me. Just plain and simple: God. Desires. Me. He is not a distant God, but a God of
relationship, who is intensely emotionally and passionate. And that the object of his passion is his
people (ex. Deuteronomy 32:9)—including me.
He is jealous and passionate for me.
For *all* of me. Including my
heart. My faithfulness, my loyalty, my
affection, my joy, my hurt, my brokenness.
Weddings have been hard.
As a 20something, I’m watching friends from college, from high school,
from church, get married left and right, when I had yet to have my first
boyfriend. And I always had to indicate
that I did not have a Plus One to bring.
After one wedding a few months ago, I was feeling especially concerned
and alone. The chair next to me at the
reception had been sitting open for a while at the beginning, causing me to
wonder if the bride missed the fact that I did not have a Plus One and had left
that seat open for him, and therefore the empty chair become a source of great
discomfort for me. ‘Look at the empty
chair next to Rachel! She doesn't have
someone next to her!’ (Turns out, the
other single girl who was supposed to sit there was running very late. I actually had the privilege of praying for
her!!) As I was driving home, God called me out on my dissatisfaction. He called me out on the promises I had made
to him to find my peace and wholeness in him.
Why was I despairing and looking longingly at the table up front, when I
had promised that my heart’s focus was His heart? Please note here that I am not saying that
the desire for a husband is wrong. What
I am saying is that what is wrong is staking my value and my hope in it. What God wanted (and still wants) from me was
my attention, not (necessarily) my wedding vows.
I have been waiting and seeking God in the area of
relationships over these several years.
Truly *seeking.* Watching,
looking, evaluating, searching—with all the emotion that goes with that.
Then in January, this boy that I had been talking to since
this conference in late September, asks me if I saw potential for anything
more. Though I had seen potential, I had
kept myself from making anything of it, from dwelling on it or measuring and weighing
it. So I told him yes, but requested his
patience with me, as this was new for me.
And he said that I was more than worth being patient for and waiting
for.
And he has. So much
more so than I imagined. But not in a
casual way. He actively waited for me,
engaged with me in the process of sorting out this new thing, but always
respected where I was. For example, when
we went out on Valentine’s Day, he gave me a peach/pink rose, with the
explanation that if red was for love, and yellow was for friendship, then this
color fit the fact that we were neither, but somewhere in the middle. I saw his respect and patience in this. And on Monday (February 18th), I
said, Okay. Let’s do this, this
relationship thing. And he agreed.
Friends, I have waited.
I have waited for the Lord, and I have found hardship but also joy in
pursuing Jesus. I have delighted myself
in him, even when my delight looks much more like sitting at his feet in the
darkness and questioning. And he has given
me a *good* gift in Jon. God knows the
desires of my heart, and he knows how *best* to meet them.
Friends, please understand that this is not a formulaic
idea. That I just need to read my Bible
more or pray more or give more or serve more or whathaveyou, then that will prove
to God that I am delighting in him and he will give to me a boyfriend or a
promotion or whatever it is that I feel I need to have the perfect life. Firstly, delight is simple. Delight is pure. Delight is innocent, without motive, purpose,
or end. Delighting in the Lord is not
more things. It is more of him
himself.
And even if your delight is true, that doesn't mean he will
give you what you want. This post is not
a post about how God made my dreams come true, about how God made my life
perfect-looking. Because it's not, and having a boyfriend doesn't "fix" that. Because in my
delighting in the Lord, I have been given so many good gifts, that do
not have anything to do with my relationship status, my income, or anything
like that. Yes, one of them has been
Jon. But as I've sought the Lord, delved
deeper into knowing him in this particular way, he has also given me
-a group of ladies in my small group who have helped me do
that, and who have been a source of deep healing, in ways that I’m not sure
they’ll ever truly know
-the opportunity to move back to West Michigan to work with
InterVarsity
-the opportunity to hop over to Russia for a summer to teach
teenagers
-grace,
beauty,
wholeness,
knowledge,
joy
and on…
Delight yourself in the Lord. He adores you. He wants you—all of you, and just you. He loves you.
And he gives *good* gifts.
