So, here’s my life over the past several months:
Well, I finished the most obnoxiously busy semester in May,
with three acceptances to three grad schools, and a satisfaction that a
struggling student passed lab! I got
accepted to Loyola University-Chicago, Central Michigan University, and
Michigan Technological University. I was
SO EXCITED!!! that I got into Loyola.
But, they offered me no financial assistance. And I would have to learn how to live in
Chicago. Oh dear. I was thrilled when Tech finally accepted
me—5 days before the national reply deadline.
I was not able to visit due to weather conditions and work schedules,
which meant that I had to make my decision between a place that I had seen 2
hours north of home in West Michigan, or a place that I had not seen 10 hours
even further north than that. So while
Central Michigan had originally been my last choice (with Tech and Loyola tied
for first), it became the place I chose.
I felt weak in choosing Central, because it seems so much less
prestigious than Loyola. But I felt it
was the right choice—for me. For me, the
stress of trying to work and teach and research and pass classes AND live and
drive in Chicago was not worth it to me, and going to school 12 hours away from
home in the Upper Peninsula would be extremely isolating. Central, though less exciting, had much more
positives all around. I would only be
two hours away from West Michigan, half an hour away from my best friend’s
family, in a small rural city, in a department where 50% of the chemistry
faculty was female, in a building with windows!, and a place where I could feel
confident in my choices in my education, and in life. I felt I could take hold of my grad school
education at Central, in a way that I might not have felt able to at Loyola.
And I am pleased to say that five weeks after moving here
(four since my grad school education officially started), I still believe this
is the right choice for me. A week or
two ago, I was doing homework in the school library (the amazing library!) at
10 o’clock at night. I looked up from my
work out the gorgeous windows, and I had this great sense of peace. I felt that I was in the right place, doing
the right things, at the right school, in the right city, in the right
season. I feel that I am one of the
group of grad students in my department—something that was vastly lacking at
Michigan State four years ago. The
building feels conducive to people spending portions of their lives there—there
are chairs in the hallways, there are plants and tables in nooks, there are
windows. It’s not just a sequence of
offices. It’s a space. And there are no four-story parking
garages! My apartment (though still not
completely unpacked) feels just far enough removed from school to create a
division between work and home but close enough to be engaged and connected—and
within a “Oh-crap-I-overslept-class-is-in-30-minutes!” freak-out safe zone.
Ha. Big enough to be enough space, but
small enough to not feel empty.
I am secure here, even though I’m facing some challenges
that can be very stressful at any given time.
My stipend is ridiculously small, so I’m making choices like whether or
not to have home internet, whether to pursue the governmental aid for food that
I qualify for, and whether I can actually afford the dues to the Graduate Student
Union that would help to change the very problems we are struggling with (ie,
low income, no health insurance, etc).
I have found a church with a brave pastor, whose wife is so
kind and welcoming and engaging….but the young adult population is very
limited. I have been going to this
church since I’ve been here and it would be about time for me to see if there
are other churches for me to check out, but the pastor has just started a sermon
series on The Elephants in the Room.
This four part series began today with science and religion, and will
continue with issues of life (abortion and euthanasia), broken homes and
families, and homosexuality. In this
series, he hopes to challenge his church to engage with these issues seriously,
in a way that we can be the church we are called to be in the midst of these
contentious issues. These are all
wonderful things that I want to engage with, and want to hear what the pastor
has to say, and, if I plugged in a little further, I would hope that I could
discuss with other people in the congregation.
But…I don’t know if I want to plug in, here, yet. I want to give the churches I visit a real
chance…but I’m afraid of wasting time, or of leaving a reasonable place to go
in order to check out a different place and return to find they had given up on
me.
And it’s not a nice, neat, pretty thing to update on, but my
boyfriend and I broke up in June. I am
content where I am relationally. I am
content being single. One day, I hope to
be married. But here, in this time, I am
content. There are days (like last
Sunday) that I’m not, and I wrestle with God, knowing that he hasn’t promised
me a husband. But he has promised me
healing and himself and his church. I
just pray that the church wakes up to that.
That the church is part of the blessings God has given us. That in the church, God can speak to us,
touch us, and love us in ways that he can’t in our personal quiet times. And feeling like the church doesn’t always get
that can make it hard. It can make it
hard to not be cynical, to be hopeful in finding a place to belong.
Starting a life over requires taking risks. It requires taking risks to get to know
people and try new things. And it’s very
tiring. But I know this is where I am
supposed to be in this time. So these
are the things that I most desire your prayers for:
-Praise for leading me here.
For all the changes of heart and life events that God has used to lead
me here, to this place, in this season.
-Prayers for finding a community to pray with, to cry with,
and to laugh with.
-Prayers for finding avenues to serve.
-Praise for leading me to a church with a brilliant pastor
and amazing wife, but prayers for wisdom and discernment in knowing if this
church is a good fit for me.
-Prayers for growing in understanding my role in the Kingdom
as a faculty member.
Thanks for reading!
