Here I am. Living into the deep reality that alignment with Jesus forces other things out of alignment.
Here I am. Asking the question, "What matters most to me?" And finding that the answer is a deep, deep longing to be found in the arms of my Lover. To know who I am in his eyes, to know his voice, to function in the way that when I press into his heart, he presses back, and when he presses back, I have what I need to do that which he has called me to. And when that work--that work-- has me broken and exhausted, I run back to his arms and find sanctuary.
Here I am. Having found that grad school is frustrating all those things, and feeling short-circuited, I have, as of this week, left grad school for a year.
I have mixed feelings about this. It is a mixture of excitement-for all the things I can see God growing in me through this; guilt-for needing the time, for actually taking that time, for leaving the lab group and university that I was so sure I was called to and that somehow by leaving I'm not being a good witness; anxiety-for not having a paycheck for the time being, for how it reflects on me professionally.
But what it comes down to is a matter of idolatry, and of healing. I am excited and challenged by the idea of introducing myself to someone "Hi. I'm Rachel." Not "Hi. I'm Rachel. I'm a chemistry grad student at State. I am eager to find out what happens when I let myself just be a Daughter. I need to learn rhythms of grace. The damage I've accumulated over the years has never had a chance to heal, and the ways I've tried to fix myself are proving their uselessness and the ways they are proving to do more damage as they shut me out from the only One who knows how to heal. This cleansing and healing work is going to be hard, but I when I remember that I'm not the one performing the surgery, the less daunting this year seems.
So here I am. Here I am, Lord. Here I am.
