Girl Power vs. Boy Power

I appreciate this video for its unique perspective on the gender equality discussion.  It makes me think, not for the first time, that if I ever were to have kids (please note the if), that I would want the privilege of raising a daughter and a son.  I feel like siblings of different genders are a wonderful opportunity to show the other what pure compassion and love and trust and play look like across gender lines, without the complication of "cooties" or dating or relationships or sex.  But this video prompted this thought because it challenged not what we are teaching our daughters about gender roles and leadership, but what we are teaching our sons about what what we are teaching our daughters.  In all our efforts to empower our daughters, what have we done to teach our sons about how they are a part of that?  Part of that effort, part of that realm.  Are we setting up a healthy realm that isn't bound by gender roles--or have we, inadvertently, set up a power struggle?

Choice

Oh, what a journey this thing called faith is...

Twelve years.  Twelve years, perhaps more like thirteen, and today I still was challenged with the question of accepting Jesus' offer of sufficiency.  Of accepting his righteousness, goodness, and truth as encompassing, strong, and big enough for what I need.  And while perhaps the invitations weren't so clear twelve years ago in that manner of words, they certainly were four years ago, two years ago, even.  Given in perfect clarity, to which I said Yes, with perfect expectation that I knew what I was saying yes to.  And several more smaller invitations less clear or pointed, but nonetheless there, to choose to hear and accept Jesus's words of truth, spoken in small moments; accepted in murmured ascents, and whispered Amens.

And find in my soul an agony, an anxiety over how I could possibly still not have "actually" answered that most basic question.  An anxiety over which the cause of the anxiety is the answer.  That probably makes no sense...The anxiety is over my failure to acknowledge his sufficiency.  The cure is the negation of that concern by accepting his sufficiency as enough to cover that failure.

Because his goodness has been transposed onto me.  Because his sufficiency has been transposed onto me.  I am enough because he is enough.

At the start of this new season, I am concerned, at points even depressed, over things like finding a community with whom I can laugh, over finding a friend with whom I can discuss this thing that is faith, over getting this vocation thing right.  My challenge now is to wait expectantly.  To trust God's process instead of determining to have it perfected now, or of despairing that it hasn't been.  To say Yes, I trust you to support me in this season of change.

Which somehow spurs me to consider this IV volunteer app again.  The staffworker here sent me an application over the summer, that I had delayed responding to, because I wasn't sure the opportunities here or the realities of my life as a grad student yet (and truthfully, I was scared of IV after things with my old area director).  I was hoping for a far clearer direction once I got here.  Right now, that "clear direction" might be an invitation to just use my gifts in a place that could use them, regardless of it being "the right thing."  I may not have anything to offer a Greek chapter as an independent.  I may not have the time to offer to create and lead bible studies.  But I do have the heart to sit next to a girl on a couch on a Tuesday night, and talk.  And at its heart, my call is that.  My call is not to have answers or plans, but to be present to the lives of students.  And truthfully, I need to do something.  Perhaps my sense of stagnancy is a result of not participating in that.  Ingrowing things, you know.  And so maybe this is the cure: to step out and engage in my calling regardless of it fitting perfectly.

Because it's a process, and God's in charge.

The question I've been pondering of late

Who is this God that he would offer us a chance to love him?

For your perspective

Below is my personal statement I wrote for my graduate school applications, as written for Loyola (because I like the way I integrated Loyola into the paragraph better than how it did for other schools).  I'm proud of it.  I feel like it is a strong piece of creative writing in which I was able to put my soul into it, but is also purposeful and informative.  I'm putting it here because I feel it's a good summary of where I have been and where I am going. :)

J.K. Rowling wisely writes in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, “It is our choices…that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”  In the three years since I graduated from Hope College, I have made choices that have drawn me well outside my comfort zone.  My desire to always live true to myself led me to choose to leave graduate school two years ago, to volunteer with college students, to teach in Russia, and to teach at a local university.  While making each of these choices was difficult, I am grateful because it is precisely the challenge and diversity of these choices that have led me to this place where I can confidently choose to pursue a career in chemical education.

My first summer of doing research with Dr. Jason Gillmore as an undergraduate epitomized everything I loved about science: discovery.  I worked towards the synthesis of two substituted perimidinespirohexadieneone photochromes in order to clarify the direction of their ring opening in the presence of UV light.  As the synthesis proved unattainable, the group has since tried other methods to elucidate this.  From there, I investigated the cathodoluminescence of minerals [information withheld for internet publishing].  We determined that it was possible to distinguish classes of feldspars with this method, further indicating its potential for use as a forensic tool.  I continued to pursue research in graduate school at Michigan State University, where I worked with Dr. Jim McCusker to elucidate the mechanisms of photo-dynamics in chromium complexes towards designing better dye-sensitized solar cells. 

Each of these experiences excited the scientist in me, and most had valuable and meaningful real world applications, but I noticed that none seemed to engage me uniquely.  I also had begun to realize that I have leadership gifts.  I am the leader that is willing to challenge the status quo and is willing to take the time to encourage and equip the people under my care.  I took joy in applying those leadership skills as a teaching assistant: I moved desks in my recitation section to encourage discussion, and I took pleasure in my labs in looking after the stragglers to make sure they didn’t get lost in the mix.  I began to question if laboratory research was truly how I wanted to be spending my time, when I was discovering a passion and a gift for working with people.

I chose to leave graduate school to support myself as a laboratory technician at a small local industry while I explored avenues to use my leadership skills.  I volunteered with a student ministry organization where I mentored students individually and in small groups, and trained them to use their unique gifts in leadership.  I also spent a month and a half at a youth camp in Russia teaching conversational English.  Each of these came with their own challenges—from event organization to teamwork to resource scarcity to cultural differences.  Both experiences gave me joy in walking alongside young people—hearing their thoughts about life, watching them grow into their potential as I encouraged them and taught them, even when they couldn’t necessarily receive it.  But the challenges of teaching in a foreign country brought me life, while the challenges of running a student movement drained me.

With these experiences in hand, I came to teach at Grand Valley State University.  I have found a unique joy in this job.  Every semester brings a new challenge.  The first semester was making it through a presentation; this semester was drawing hard lines with compassion.  In rising to these challenges, I see students who were apathetic towards chemistry engage with difficult concepts that they initially thought were beyond them.  Teachers who give students the tools they need to succeed and the encouragement to believe that they can succeed are gifts, and I believe that I have the skills, gifts, and experiences to be one those teachers. I want to continue to challenge, encourage, and equip students by teaching at a community college, where I can focus on teaching, and impact a corner of the higher education world that often gets left behind.

Challenges are part of every career, and I’ve experienced them in working in a lab, in student ministry, and in teaching.  The difference is that the challenges I’m facing as a teacher enable me to grow in ways that I want to grow.  My students challenge me to have patience, to think critically, and to think creatively.  I am looking at programs like yours so that I can learn how to do that better.  Coursework at Loyola would ground me firmly in my knowledge of chemistry, while participating in chemical education research, such as with Dr. Patrick Daubenmire, offers a valued opportunity to gain understanding of the teaching and learning of science.  Cooperative learning experiences were scattered throughout my education at Hope, and studying them from the other side would help me pass on the critical thinking skills and self-understanding I gained from some of those experiences to my own students.  My choice to become a chemistry educator brings together my scientific ability and my passion for the lives of young people in a way that engages and utilizes my creativity.  I look forward to bringing the fullness of who I am to the field of chemical education, and I am eager to make Loyola a part of that journey.

Life Update

So, here’s my life over the past several months:

Well, I finished the most obnoxiously busy semester in May, with three acceptances to three grad schools, and a satisfaction that a struggling student passed lab!  I got accepted to Loyola University-Chicago, Central Michigan University, and Michigan Technological University.  I was SO EXCITED!!! that I got into Loyola.  But, they offered me no financial assistance.  And I would have to learn how to live in Chicago.  Oh dear.  I was thrilled when Tech finally accepted me—5 days before the national reply deadline.  I was not able to visit due to weather conditions and work schedules, which meant that I had to make my decision between a place that I had seen 2 hours north of home in West Michigan, or a place that I had not seen 10 hours even further north than that.  So while Central Michigan had originally been my last choice (with Tech and Loyola tied for first), it became the place I chose.  I felt weak in choosing Central, because it seems so much less prestigious than Loyola.  But I felt it was the right choice—for me.  For me, the stress of trying to work and teach and research and pass classes AND live and drive in Chicago was not worth it to me, and going to school 12 hours away from home in the Upper Peninsula would be extremely isolating.  Central, though less exciting, had much more positives all around.  I would only be two hours away from West Michigan, half an hour away from my best friend’s family, in a small rural city, in a department where 50% of the chemistry faculty was female, in a building with windows!, and a place where I could feel confident in my choices in my education, and in life.  I felt I could take hold of my grad school education at Central, in a way that I might not have felt able to at Loyola.

And I am pleased to say that five weeks after moving here (four since my grad school education officially started), I still believe this is the right choice for me.  A week or two ago, I was doing homework in the school library (the amazing library!) at 10 o’clock at night.  I looked up from my work out the gorgeous windows, and I had this great sense of peace.  I felt that I was in the right place, doing the right things, at the right school, in the right city, in the right season.  I feel that I am one of the group of grad students in my department—something that was vastly lacking at Michigan State four years ago.  The building feels conducive to people spending portions of their lives there—there are chairs in the hallways, there are plants and tables in nooks, there are windows.  It’s not just a sequence of offices.  It’s a space.  And there are no four-story parking garages!  My apartment (though still not completely unpacked) feels just far enough removed from school to create a division between work and home but close enough to be engaged and connected—and within a “Oh-crap-I-overslept-class-is-in-30-minutes!” freak-out safe zone. Ha.  Big enough to be enough space, but small enough to not feel empty.

I am secure here, even though I’m facing some challenges that can be very stressful at any given time.  My stipend is ridiculously small, so I’m making choices like whether or not to have home internet, whether to pursue the governmental aid for food that I qualify for, and whether I can actually afford the dues to the Graduate Student Union that would help to change the very problems we are struggling with (ie, low income, no health insurance, etc). 

I have found a church with a brave pastor, whose wife is so kind and welcoming and engaging….but the young adult population is very limited.  I have been going to this church since I’ve been here and it would be about time for me to see if there are other churches for me to check out, but the pastor has just started a sermon series on The Elephants in the Room.  This four part series began today with science and religion, and will continue with issues of life (abortion and euthanasia), broken homes and families, and homosexuality.  In this series, he hopes to challenge his church to engage with these issues seriously, in a way that we can be the church we are called to be in the midst of these contentious issues.  These are all wonderful things that I want to engage with, and want to hear what the pastor has to say, and, if I plugged in a little further, I would hope that I could discuss with other people in the congregation.  But…I don’t know if I want to plug in, here, yet.  I want to give the churches I visit a real chance…but I’m afraid of wasting time, or of leaving a reasonable place to go in order to check out a different place and return to find they had given up on me.

And it’s not a nice, neat, pretty thing to update on, but my boyfriend and I broke up in June.  I am content where I am relationally.  I am content being single.  One day, I hope to be married.  But here, in this time, I am content.  There are days (like last Sunday) that I’m not, and I wrestle with God, knowing that he hasn’t promised me a husband.  But he has promised me healing and himself and his church.  I just pray that the church wakes up to that.  That the church is part of the blessings God has given us.  That in the church, God can speak to us, touch us, and love us in ways that he can’t in our personal quiet times.  And feeling like the church doesn’t always get that can make it hard.  It can make it hard to not be cynical, to be hopeful in finding a place to belong.

Starting a life over requires taking risks.  It requires taking risks to get to know people and try new things.  And it’s very tiring.  But I know this is where I am supposed to be in this time.  So these are the things that I most desire your prayers for:

-Praise for leading me here.  For all the changes of heart and life events that God has used to lead me here, to this place, in this season.

-Prayers for finding a community to pray with, to cry with, and to laugh with.

-Prayers for finding avenues to serve.

-Praise for leading me to a church with a brilliant pastor and amazing wife, but prayers for wisdom and discernment in knowing if this church is a good fit for me.

-Prayers for growing in understanding my role in the Kingdom as a faculty member.

Thanks for reading!

Some Perspective...

"The gospel is almost always profoundly critical both of our dominant cultures, but also of our best efforts at overcoming or reforming those cultures. A vision of human flourishing that simply celebrates every felt desire as good is deeply problematic from the perspective of the gospel. We are fallen creatures, and Christian discipleship in every area of life is always a practice of ascesis; of disciplining and re-ordering our wayward desires in progressively more holy directions." --Steve Holmes, here


*Note: I haven't read the whole article (I've gotten to "VB: What about the classic go-to texts that Christians often use in debates on sexuality?") , and I'm not necessarily agreeing with everything else in the article that I have (or have not) read. But I think the quote above holds some well-written and much needed perspective. It sums up the intersecting nettles that are "repressive/freedom/Christianity/goodness/right-ness/open- vs closed-mindedness." Okay, maybe it doesn't address the freedom part as much as I'd like it to. But I think it holds valuable perspective nonetheless.

P.S. Yes, I know, I need to write some more of my own stuff, and update things...Alas, I have already wasted at least half an hour of my time in the library that I meant to be doing literature research...

Living in the Tension

I have a large amount of updating to do, but I wanted to, needed to write about this before the shock wears off.

I have discovered--yet another--superbly interesting book at the library tonight (this would be book 3 in 2 days...I've checked the other two out and will probably check this one out too).  It is called "Alone Together" by Sherry Turkle.  I've only read a few pages of the introduction and the first chapter, but already, I am deeply chilled by what she has to say.  She proposes in the introduction, and uses as her subtitle, "We expect more from technology and less from each other." (pg xii)  She comments on watching her daughter grow up from age 6 to 19 with various technologies (social networking, texting, but also robots including Furbies and more advanced robotics), and the questions and comments she raises about the robots' lives and their use in place of animals at museums lead her to comment on how we understand the value and purpose of life, ie, 'why should we/other living thing do x when a robot could do it?'  She references a book by David Levy called "Love and Sex with Robots."  And here I find the most chilling comments: "Levy argues that robots will teach us to be better friends and lovers because we will be able to practice on them...[R]obots are..."other," but, in many ways, better.  No cheating.  No heartbreak."

My heart breaks because I know that statement is fundamentally wrong.  My heart breaks because I know that statement is fundamentally wrong, but I also find a resonance with the enticement of no relational hardships.

I think the sheer number of articles, blogs, and books about our interactions with and potential addictions to technology are warning enough that something is happening, something devious, dangerous.  What's chilling is what Turkle has to say in less than 10 pages of a 300+page book.  What's chilling is that I see similar things, and have, though with much less eloquence and knowledge, written my own paper for a college English class about how we keep people at our fingertips--and no closer.  What's chilling is that I notice a difference when I turn off my smartphone for a day.  How I approach the day, what I think about throughout the day, and how I choose to handle problems when they come.

Those differences I notice of myself are enough for me to remember that having days free from technology are wise, but her comments in these ten pages are sending messages deep into my being that not only are they wise, but vastly important.  I need to cut my cord with technology regularly so that I remember that hardships are part and parcel of life and of relationships.  As uncertain as these are, learning to live into that tension is crucial for the development of vibrant life (both internal and external) and relationships.  The vibrancy of life comes from taking risks to discover, the vibrancy of relationships comes from giving of yourself, of your heart to another, in full knowledge that they can choose to use and abuse them...and, hopefully, finding that they choose otherwise.

Working Women?

I love this article.  It somehow sums up how I feel about conservative viewpoints that uphold being a wife and stay-at-home motherhood as the only respectable role for Christian women.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2013/june/my-calling-as-female-breadwinner.html?paging=off

The last paragraph sums it up quite nicely: "Whatever you do, lady reader—and however much or little money you make doing it—do it with all your heart, knowing that you receive your calling and identity from God, not from fellow Christians who play exegetical leapfrog with Scripture."

And I am encouraged by her reference to Colossians to support her viewpoint.  Because it is removed from the passages of Timothy and Corinthians that are the ground zero of such a charged topic.

Collected Quotes, Episode II

"'George,' Alanna said.  The other two looked at her. Her face was bewildered.  'I--I don't understand,' she stammered.  'Why do this for me?  You went to a lot of trouble.  Why?'
George looked at her for a long moment.  Finally he replied, 'And why do you find it so hard to think someone might like you and want to do things for you?  That's the way of friendship, lad.'
Alanna shook her head.  'But I haven't done anything for you.'
'That's not how it works,' the thief said dryly."
--Tamora Pierce, Alanna: The First Adventure

Collected Quotes, Episode I

"Holiness isn't about sticking to a list of rules.  It isn't something you either have or don't have, keep or lose.  It's a way of life, filled with twists and turns, mistakes and growth, uncertainty and reward." --Rachel Held Evans

Boys

The Problem with 'Boys Will Be Boys'

via kateelliottsff.tumblr.com/

For months, every morning when my daughter was in preschool, I watched her construct an elaborate castle out of blocks, colorful plastic discs, bits of rope, ribbons and feathers, only to have the same little boy gleefully destroy it within seconds of its completion.
No matter how many times he did it, his parents never swooped in BEFORE the morning’s live 3-D reenactment of “Invasion of AstroMonster.” This is what they’d say repeatedly:
“You know! Boys will be boys!” 
“He’s just going through a phase!”
“He’s such a boy! He LOVES destroying things!”
“Oh my god! Girls and boys are SO different!”
“He. Just. Can’t. Help himself!”
I tried to teach my daughter how to stop this from happening. She asked him politely not to do it. We talked about some things she might do. She moved where she built. She stood in his way. She built a stronger foundation to the castle, so that, if he did get to it, she wouldn’t have to rebuild the whole thing. In the meantime, I imagine his parents thinking, “What red-blooded boy wouldn’t knock it down?”
She built a beautiful, glittery castle in a public space.
It was so tempting.
He just couldn’t control himself and, being a boy, had violent inclinations.
She had to keep her building safe.
Her consent didn’t matter. Besides, it’s not like she made a big fuss when he knocked it down. It wasn’t a “legitimate” knocking over if she didn’t throw a tantrum.
His desire — for power, destruction, control, whatever- - was understandable.
Maybe she “shouldn’t have gone to preschool” at all. OR, better if she just kept her building activities to home.
I know it’s a lurid metaphor, but I taught my daughter the preschool block precursor of don’t “get raped” and this child, Boy #1, did not learn the preschool equivalent of “don’t rape.”
Not once did his parents talk to him about invading another person’s space and claiming for his own purposes something that was not his to claim. Respect for her and her work and words was not something he was learning.  How much of the boy’s behavior in coming years would be excused in these ways, be calibrated to meet these expectations and enforce the “rules” his parents kept repeating?
There was another boy who, similarly, decided to knock down her castle one day. When he did it his mother took him in hand, explained to him that it was not his to destroy, asked him how he thought my daughter felt after working so hard on her building and walked over with him so he could apologize. That probably wasn’t much fun for him, but he did not do it again.
There was a third child. He was really smart. He asked if he could knock her building down. She, beneficent ruler of all pre-circle-time castle construction, said yes… but only after she was done building it and said it was OK. They worked out a plan together and eventually he started building things with her and they would both knock the thing down with unadulterated joy. You can’t make this stuff up.
Take each of these three boys and consider what he might do when he’s older, say, at college, drunk at a party, mad at an ex-girlfriend who rebuffs him and uses words that she expects will be meaningful and respecte, “No, I don’t want to. Stop. Leave.”
The “overarching attitudinal characteristic” of abusive men is entitlement.

(Source: lastlifeinuniverse)

(Reblogged from neuralwiles)

Your thoughts?

Why I Don't Listen to Focus on the Family

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2013/03/focus-on-the-family-feminism-is-the-way-of-death.html

For real??

My favorite bit:
"Kassian: Women come to me, saying “I want to have a ministry, I want to help others,” and I just look at them, and I wonder—don’t you have children? Don’t you realize how important that is? How much more wise would it be to invest in your children’s lives than try to fix a Humpty Dumpty situation when they’re teenagers?"

So, just because I'm a woman, you automatically assume that I have children?  I'm not even sure where to start with that one.  I am female, I therefore have children.  Let's forget about the fact that the average marrying age now is somewhere like, what, 28?  That leaves about 14 years of perfectly biologically viable child-bearing time where women aren't having children.  What do you expect them to do?  What about empty nesters?  And what about couples that can't have children?  What about them?

I don't disagree with her that raising children is an important and valuable investment and ministry.  But what I do take issue with is her unwillingness to accept or understand other ministries beyond that. "And I just look at them, and I wonder..."  She seems completely confused by their requests.  And instead of asking them about their desires to be involved in ministry, she questions their parenting.  I don't have a problem with families or stay-at-home moms or anything like that.  What I do have a problem with is an unwillingness to imagine or understand anything other than that.  An unwillingness to understand the life of a single person that isn't focused on finding The Perfect Relationship.  An unwillingness to understand callings to the university, to the mission field (using here the traditional definition of mission field; overseas cross-cultural intentional ministry), to healthcare, to anything that isn't being a wife and mother. 

I know this isn't a well-written, carefully planned and researched post.  Attitudes like these have rubbed me wrong for *years* and with John Piper's comments on being able to read commentaries written by a woman because then he can ignore her female personhood, it's at the surface.  I know I've felt this for years, but seeing it in text, and reading it and others like it, and being able to understand it as a young adult, ...all I'm left with is this question, "Are you serious?"

I'm not even going to touch the bit about abused women.  Do you not see how your attitudes perpetuate the abuse?  (Okay, maybe I am.)  That, as Christians, men and women are supposed to accept abuse because we are to lay down our rights, by your logic.  I have wrestled with this.  Not because I've been abused, fortunately, but this idea that being a Christian means being a doormat.  Christ does call us to humility, to sevanthood, to turning the other cheek.  But  if we extrapolate that to mean that we have no worth, no personhood, no value, we are ignoring the other part of the gospel that says, "You are worthy!  You are a person!  You have value!"  We ignore that the gospel proclaims freedom for the captives and a restoration of broken things.  Jesus died for each of us.  That is how much we are valued and loved.  We must always understand humility and servanthood and surrender in this context.

Oh, that we may understand!  Help us to understand the world you created.  Help us to understand your purposes for the world, and help us to understand how you invite us to participate in it.   Help us to respect each other, and also ourselves.

Journaling

Good news!  I have filled my paper journal!  Now it's time to start a new one!

Isn't that an awesome feeling??

He is Risen--He was DEAD but is Now Risen

I'm finding such gratitude and sanctuary in the church calendar as of late.  Most of my church life has been spent in non-denominational contemporary Protestant churches, but the past three of it has been spent in this lovely little Lutheran congregation--somewhere I never expected to find family or a place to call home.  In this time in this church where sacraments are performed seriously and joyfully, where scripture is read aloud betwixt songs and sermons, I have found new awe.  There is purpose in the liturgy, in the church calendar, in the liturgy.

Just as we set aside time leading up to Christmas to anticipate Jesus' birth, we also set aside time leading up to Easter to anticipate Jesus' resurrection.  And that time builds to a climax during Holy Week.  On Palm Sunday, we enter the crowd welcoming Jesus into Jerusalem...with recognition that five days later we are in the crowd again, shouting "Crucify him!" At my church we are given palm fronds to wave during service.  I saved mine from last year, and had them sitting on my dashboard.  And every once and a while, I would consider that, and reflect on that.  (I think that season is now come and gone, and it's time to get rid of the palm fronds.  But only did I realize that this weekend.)  On Maundy Thursday, we consider the Last Supper, where Jesus washes his disciples feet.  On Good Friday, we reflect on the crucifixion   We remember the nails driven into his hands and into his feet, we remember the crown of thorns shoved onto his head, and we remember the flogging and the piercing and the hanging and the death of Jesus.  My church reads through the passion story in a Tenebrae service--Service of the Shadows, where as the story is read responsatorily, candles are extinguished and lights are dimmed, until the sanctuary is in total darkness.  We leave in complete darkness and silence.  This year, the part that struck me most was the loud sound played to signify the closing of the tomb.  I resisted shrugging off the (emotional and physical) reverbs of that sound in discomfort, and let the finality of that sound register.

In Lent, in Holy Week, we enter a season of remembering the hardship and the price of the cross.  We enter a season of recognition that the life of Jesus was not an easy one, and that our lives as his followers are not either.  I hope that we take the season of Lent seriously.  I think it's important to enter the season of Lent, and not rush to Easter, as would our inclinations be.  Because as amazing as Easter is, it cannot have it's place, and it's worth cannot be fully grasped without Good Friday.  We must grow in our capacity to understand the death of our Savior in order to grow in our understanding of the life of our Savior.  And I am grateful for the church calendar that reminds us that there are seasons.  That there is a time both for joy and for mourning, and each season brings new growth.

Sunday, we celebrated that He has risen!!  Hallelujah!

And this week, I celebrate that HE IS STILL RISEN! Hallelujah and Amen!

Celibacy: Understanding Love in the Sacrifice

Some interesting thoughts on celibacy in light of the pedophilia scandals in the Catholic Church.

"Celibacy is not only an ancient tradition of asceticism, but more important, it is an ancient tradition of love. Celibacy is, in short, about loving others. Those who opt for celibacy (or to use religious terminology, those who feel ”called” to embrace it) choose it as a manner of loving many people deeply, in a way that they would be unable to if they were in a single relationship. It is certainly not for everyone. And it is not a better or a worse way of loving than being a married person, or being in an exclusive relationship with one person.

The criminal acts of a few do not negate the value of celibacy, any more than spousal abuse or incest can negate the value of marriage or marital love. And even if women or married men were admitted into the Catholic priesthood, celibacy would inevitably remain a choice for many. Because for many — myself included — it is not a disciplinary restriction, it is the best way they have found for living a meaningful and committed life.

...

Throughout the history of Christianity, celibacy has been part of a religious life dedicated to serving others. Jesus of Nazareth was celibate, as was Francis of Assisi, and so were more recent and much-admired figures like Pope John XXIII and Mother Teresa. All of these people are model celibates: not because of their unhealthy approach to life or because of some perverse notion of sacrifice, but rather for the way in which they understood love."

by James Martin, Choosing Celibacy (New York Times)

Holy Spirit Scheming

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. ~Psalms 37:4

Friends, this has been a big week for me.  True, I called in sick to my teaching job for the first time on Wednesday, and I moved over the weekend, and my 4 year old car hit 50,000 miles, but what I’m really talking about here is the fact that I have a boyfriend.  For the first time in my life (at 25), I have a boyfriend. 

His name is Jon.  He’s a philosopher, enjoys in particular the philosophy of science and religion, teaches at a community college, is involved in student ministry through Cru and InterVarsity, listens to Christian metal, and plays electric guitar.  We met when we carpooled together to a Christian faculty conference IV was doing in Ohio in September.  We had a mutual friend who suggested this carpool, and, whether or not he hand a real hand in orchestrating this, we have now labeled him as a schemer.

But really, the true schemer in this is the Holy Spirit.

Jon has his own story of the way God worked in his life up until this point, and how God led him as he pursued me in the beginning.  For me, in the past several years, I have been growing in my understanding of how God wants me.  Just plain and simple: God. Desires. Me.  He is not a distant God, but a God of relationship, who is intensely emotionally and passionate.  And that the object of his passion is his people (ex. Deuteronomy 32:9)—including me.  He is jealous and passionate for me.  For *all* of me.  Including my heart.  My faithfulness, my loyalty, my affection, my joy, my hurt, my brokenness.

Weddings have been hard.  As a 20something, I’m watching friends from college, from high school, from church, get married left and right, when I had yet to have my first boyfriend.  And I always had to indicate that I did not have a Plus One to bring.  After one wedding a few months ago, I was feeling especially concerned and alone.  The chair next to me at the reception had been sitting open for a while at the beginning, causing me to wonder if the bride missed the fact that I did not have a Plus One and had left that seat open for him, and therefore the empty chair become a source of great discomfort for me.  ‘Look at the empty chair next to Rachel!  She doesn't have someone next to her!’  (Turns out, the other single girl who was supposed to sit there was running very late.  I actually had the privilege of praying for her!!) As I was driving home, God called me out on my dissatisfaction.  He called me out on the promises I had made to him to find my peace and wholeness in him.  Why was I despairing and looking longingly at the table up front, when I had promised that my heart’s focus was His heart?  Please note here that I am not saying that the desire for a husband is wrong.  What I am saying is that what is wrong is staking my value and my hope in it.  What God wanted (and still wants) from me was my attention, not (necessarily) my wedding vows.

I have been waiting and seeking God in the area of relationships over these several years.  Truly *seeking.*  Watching, looking, evaluating, searching—with all the emotion that goes with that.

Then in January, this boy that I had been talking to since this conference in late September, asks me if I saw potential for anything more.  Though I had seen potential, I had kept myself from making anything of it, from dwelling on it or measuring and weighing it.  So I told him yes, but requested his patience with me, as this was new for me.  And he said that I was more than worth being patient for and waiting for.

And he has.  So much more so than I imagined.  But not in a casual way.  He actively waited for me, engaged with me in the process of sorting out this new thing, but always respected where I was.  For example, when we went out on Valentine’s Day, he gave me a peach/pink rose, with the explanation that if red was for love, and yellow was for friendship, then this color fit the fact that we were neither, but somewhere in the middle.  I saw his respect and patience in this.  And on Monday (February 18^th), I said, Okay.  Let’s do this, this relationship thing.  And he agreed.

Friends, I have waited.  I have waited for the Lord, and I have found hardship but also joy in pursuing Jesus.  I have delighted myself in him, even when my delight looks much more like sitting at his feet in the darkness and questioning.  And he has given me a *good* gift in Jon.  God knows the desires of my heart, and he knows how *best* to meet them.

Friends, please understand that this is not a formulaic idea.  That I just need to read my Bible more or pray more or give more or serve more or whathaveyou, then that will prove to God that I am delighting in him and he will give to me a boyfriend or a promotion or whatever it is that I feel I need to have the perfect life.  Firstly, delight is simple.  Delight is pure.  Delight is innocent, without motive, purpose, or end.  Delighting in the Lord is not more things.  It is more of him himself. 

And even if your delight is true, that doesn't mean he will give you what you want.  This post is not a post about how God made my dreams come true, about how God made my life perfect-looking.  Because it's not, and having a boyfriend doesn't "fix" that.  Because in my delighting in the Lord, I have been given so many good gifts, that do not have anything to do with my relationship status, my income, or anything like that.  Yes, one of them has been Jon.  But as I've sought the Lord, delved deeper into knowing him in this particular way, he has also given me

-a group of ladies in my small group who have helped me do that, and who have been a source of deep healing, in ways that I’m not sure they’ll ever truly know

-the opportunity to move back to West Michigan to work with InterVarsity

-the opportunity to hop over to Russia for a summer to teach teenagers

-grace,

beauty,

wholeness,

knowledge,

joy

and on…

Delight yourself in the Lord.  He adores you.  He wants you—all of you, and just you.  He loves you.  And he gives *good* gifts.

Invitations

God is [...]sending invitations. Sometimes they seem less compelling than anything on my to-do list. Why would I want to say yes to the invitation to rest when I'm already so far behind? Why follow when I could lead? Why accept invitations to weep or to admit I am wrong or to wait? Saying yes might slow me down, sabotage my agenda and even undo who I think I am.

--IVP review of the book "Invitations from God: Accepting God's Offer to Rest, Weep, Forgive, Wait, Remember and More" by Adele Ahlberg Calhoun

Redemption

"This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.  If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.  But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.  If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us." --1 John 5-10 (ESV)

"He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." --Colossians 1:13-14

"Sing aloud, O daughter of Zion; shout, O Israel!
Rejoice and exult with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem!
The LORD has taken away the judgments against you, he has cleared away your enemies."
 --Zephaniah 3:14-15a (ESV)

No Storm Can Shake My Inmost Calm

The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart!

InterVarsity/International Students

*sigh*  Life has been moving at a break-neck pace over the past three weeks...I'm stealing little moments where I can to process things, and in those small moments when I stop to pray, God has been faithful to meet me, in new places.

One of the things on my mind lately has been the way that InterVarsity has shaped my life.  I remember showing up to a weekend conference called Genesis and having no clue who this guy named Curt Wilson was and why he was clearly trying to make an effort to engage me in conversation.  I remember showing up late to my first Chapter Focus Week because my car broke down in Gaylord on the way up, and being new to the camp and anticipating what was in store for the week.  Never would I have imagined having Curt's Christmas family photo on my fridge, nor staffing Chapter Focus Week.  But what has been one of the most important things that InterVarsity did in my life was to show me the value in community.  InterVarsity began to walk me into the riches of living in community in the Body of Christ.  It continues into my life today.  I have found a wonderful group of ladies at my church, which is wonderful in its own right.  This is my home, my family.  Something I never imagined could be mine.

I'm thinking about these things as I watch new generations of InterVarsity students come and go.  I watch them consider going to Compelling, to Chapter Focus Weeks.  I watch them consider what they are risking in making choices to follow Jesus from wherever they are.  And I watch their hearts change in response to that.  What an incomparable pleasure that is.  It is this that had me considering staff.  But that's not quite where I fit.  Instead, I get to participate in that as a teacher.  I'm seeing sparks of that...I'm waiting for it to catch.

I'm also thinking about these things as yet another chapter of InterVarsity faces de-recognition--this time, the Asian chapter at the University of Michigan-Ann Arbor, where I am friends with the staff member.  I pray for her, the leaders, the chapter's students, the study body, the council.  That Christ would shine steadily in all that goes down.

Anyway.  What I really opened this post for was this:
Urbana 96 - Across the Hall from InterVarsity twentyonehundred on Vimeo.

Twenty-one-hundred, you make great videos.  I love the power in the moment in the middle, when he knocks on the door.

Little Prayers

I know Jesus must be tired of me asking him for help finding my keys.  But he adores me.  And he's always come through for me. :)
*heart*

Waywardness: Proximity and Intimacy with the Father

Wow. Check out this video from Urbana '12. I wasn't at Urbana (triennial missions conference attended by 16,000+ students, recent grads, missionaries, and church leaders) this year to hear it, but it's posted on their webpage. I am so glad for the technology that lets me hear Ram speak on Luke 15:11-32...and then to rewind and pause it to consider his words again.

Ram Sridharan from InterVarsity twentyonehundred on Vimeo.