Humility

As I grow older and begin to try to find my way in the "real world," I find it hard to be teachable. The pressure to figure it out and to get going somewhere prevents me from listening well to God and his Truth. That kind of listening takes time and is done in quiet places, and it can't be done with charts and lists. I find, therefore, monks process of entering the monastery encouraging. I think I read somewhere that the initial process takes 4-6 years. I'm encouraged by the way that that kind of discernment is given that much time. In this time of discernment in my own life, to which I am giving a year, not even focused exactly, I tend to feel pangs of guilt for not knowing where I'm going. And that's hard for me. I always feel a certain sense of pride that through most of college, I knew exactly what I was doing. I never did that whole "change your major 7 times" thing. I declared sophomore year, and never changed. There was a period of a few weeks junior year when I wanted to be an english major, but only because I was tired of problem solving: I wanted to read books and write about them and think about things other than integrals and metabolic pathways and atoms. And as I'm considering things like mission (which I never, ever thought of before), I am frustrated by the sense that the people around me in ministry always seemed to know this path. It's encouraging, therefore, to know that even people who have the desire to spend their lives in the monastic lifestyle spend years listening to the call of God and trust the order above them to be discerning with them.

Another place where God is humbling me is in regards to the issues I have with megachurches. I tend to be skeptical and harsh when it comes to giant churches with cushy seats full of white, middle-class Americans. But I have to acknowledge that I began my church life at Suburbia Megachurch. In the beginning, it was good: I was involved with the youth group, I had friends, I did those church retreats that I heard about, and I was learning lots about Jesus. But in the later years, there was some drama in the youth group, and it colored my remaining time there and my visits back there during my college breaks. I even toyed with the idea of finding a new church for holidays back at my parents'. However, the past few times I've been back to Suburbia Megachurch, God has used it to remind me of where I've been: that my first experiences in worship were there, how I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to find 1 Timothy 5:12. My walk started there. The first time I started to realize this, it floored me. God began to bring back the color to the picture of my high school life that I had left in grey-scale.

But God wasn't done. I had been intending on returning to Holland in time to go to Smaller Church this Sunday. I was looking forward to it; a feeling that's been missing for a while until I found Smaller Church. However, that didn't work out, so I conceded to go to Suburbia Megachurch instead. I wasn't particularly thrilled, but I went anyway. I tried to be brave and sit in the floor seating area but encountered stares at the ends of rows with empty seats in the middle, so I retreated to my traditional balcony area, which was also full. I finally found and asked for space at the very top of the balcony. After trying to worship, I sat down to listen to Suited Pastor's sermon projected on the screen so everyone could see. And I found that I had a hard time listening. I had no reason to trust the people around me, no reason to trust Suited Pastor. I had no reason to listen to what he was saying, except for the fact that he was speaking the Word. I listened well enough that I recognized that. In that recognition, I tried harder to listen, to really listen. And in my listening, I realized that Suited Pastor was a man, responding to God's call, the way I'm a woman discerning God's call. I realized that Suited Pastor was just a man called to preach the gospel to America's middle class. And what a hard demographic to preach to. I realized just how counter-cultural the gospel was to this demographic, and I sat in amazement at the potential held in those walls. Here was a church that had the people and the resources to do significant Kingdom work in a way that Smaller Church and Progressive City Storefront Churchplant didn't. Not to say that either church's work is any more or less impactful or important. Only to say that here was a church, despite it's prosperity, that continued to bring the gospel to the people, trusting in God's Word and Spirit, and was doing it's best to manage their numbers (and, based on the bulletin, seemed to be doing it well).

The further along I walk down this road, the more I learn how much I need to be humbled. This isn't going to be easy, but I know that it is worth it.

You said, ask and I'll give the nations to you...

Two weeks ago, after quite possibly the most awkward interview I've ever been through and apparently lengthy reference calls (I got to hang out with the wife of one of my references and she said that he was on the phone for 45 minutes!), I was invited to teach overseas with Teach Overseas.

With confirmation in prayer and through others, I accepted last week. Which means....I'M GOING TO RUSSIA IN 8 MONTHS!

As nervous as I am to go overseas, I know that it is the right thing for me to do. As daunting as it seems to raise support, I know that God will provide.

I feel like this is the next step in my discipleship. I feel like I won't be able to give him adequate praise until I experience his provision, until I take this leap of faith. I want and need to see him work, to give him the opportunity to reveal himself to me in this way. I need to put myself in a position where can show himself to me outside of the personal realm of my heart. Just as the priests had to step foot into the Jordan before the Lord parted it (Joshua 3:13), I have to step into places of uncertainty.

I am eager for this opportunity to take this step of faith. It fills me with joy. Not necessarily happiness persay, because I am certainly anxious about many aspects of this trip, but there is a welling joy in my heart knowing that I am following my God, wherever he leads.