Esther and Birth Pains

I've always been intrigued by Esther. Someone introduced me to her story on a missions trip in high school, and verse 4:14 has always kind of stuck to me.

I've been looking at her story again lately, and it struck me yesterday that before Esther went before the king, she fasted (which I'm assuming went hand in hand with prayer, as in other places in the OT) for three days. It is this fasting and praying that allowed her to go with confidence and say "If I perish, I perish." She had confidence that when she laid aside her plans and attended to God, he would instruct her path, and if she did so, then whatever happened was up to God.

I've realized that I have been trusting others' judgment of me to define me: either negatively or positively. Lately, I'm finding myself dismissing my calls to leadership because it doesn't look like other people's. To trust God's call instead of measuring it against others' is proving quite challenging. I know I want to do this (meaning discerning the intersection of leadership/ministry and work in my life) wisely and that requires listening to the wisdom of others. But I know there comes a point where listening to others is not listening to God. So I'm trying to pray for wisdom and mentors and patience (if you could help me do that, I would very, very much appreciate that).

She also didn't do anything rash. First, she approached the king for the first time after the three days of fasting. She didn't present her request then, but instead invited him to dinner. He came. She did not ask then, either, but instead invited him to dinner a second time. That was when she asked him to spare her people.

There are passions in my heart that God is igniting lately. They've always been there, but this is the first time that I've really ever thought anything of them. I think part of what helped me actually recognize God's call of leadership at IVLI was that for that whole month, we were learning what it meant to be a leader, and even though I doubted that I had anything to offer, nothing I was learning seemed "forbidden" to me; in fact, everything I was learning was everything that I had been pursuing since high school. It's almost like I finally had permission to pursue those things. So now the doors are open: IV staff, IFES staff, IHOP staff...the possibilities of what God could do with my life are there. No longer do I feel like the only thing I have to offer is my scientific ability (which I don't feel I have much of anyway). Science is cool, and I've always known this, but when I was pondering grad school, I didn't want to get a PhD and be forced to be a professor. I didn't necessarily want that but it was the only option I saw, and it made sense and it wasn't a bad choice, it could even have been a good one. So now that these things, these ministry opportunities exist as valid possibilities for me, I want to run after them! Oh, I want to run after them. But I know that I'm not ready for them. I have a lot to learn and a lot to sort out before God before I do those things because if I don't, bad things could happen. So I'm trying to press into God while in grad school. Ha. Yay, another limit. So, before I go and leave grad school, I have to consider it carefully, with prayer and fasting and wisdom.

Almost...

I went to a jeweler today.

I was shaking and I'm sure that my face was on fire, but I actually walked up to the counter at Kay Jeweler's and asked about rings.

I've been looking in standard department store racks for months and months, but nothing fit. I was in the mall today, walked a couple yards past Kay's, prayed a quick prayer, and turned around and marched up to the counter.

I spent a hesitant but enjoyable 20-30 minutes trying on rings (with a spunky Christian saleslady whom I hope to talk to again). I found one that I liked, but it wasn't THE ring.

So I left without a ring, but I still really, actually went into and talked to a jeweler today. (They did, however, first check that I was 18. I politely responded that yes, I'm 22. HA!)

I can't wait to try another jeweler next week. ^.^

Patience

Love is patient. -1 Cor 13:4a
Endure patiently.-Rev 3:10

I really don't want to.

This is hard.

Science will be good for my patience.

Rawr.

Niether Created nor Destroyed

Part I.
Matter can neither be created nor destroyed. Same goes for energy. Momentum. Charge. All that. These must all be conserved.

This is a basic, fundamental law of science that anyone who has ever taken a junior high science class knows. It is the basis for everything a scientist studies, that I am working with as a graduate student (conservation of spin!). You can't make matter out of nothing, and it doesn't just disappear; you can take carbon and oxygen and make carbon monoxide, but it doesn't ever become nitrogen and hydrogen. You can take potential energy and transform it into kinetic energy, mechanical energy, and back, but that's it. You can only convert matter and energy.

Genesis 1:1 (and echoed in John 1) In the beginning, God--
In the beginning, God. In the beginning was God. Before he created anything, there was God. Matter can neither be created nor destroyed. Before anything in all creation, there was God, and he can neither be created nor destroyed; he is the only "thing" that has any right to say that he wasn't created--he just was The most basic and fundamental law of science derives from WHO God IS.

(see Genesis 1:1, John 1:1, John 1:3)

Part II.
I was cleaning up a reaction, and I was muttering to myself about having to deal with the waste products, and thinking about how I've made all this (mildly) toxic crud, and it has be packed and shipping specially, and dumped somewhere "safe" away from us...
And then I realized: When God created, he didn't have any waste. He didn't have any waste! It has implications for how we handle our own behaviors in terms of what we produce, but the major implication (momentarily) is what it means for us as people: We are not waste products. No one is a waste product. It's not like God worked at making this one really great person and other people were just waste byproducts. NO! God created each and every single one of us, deliberately. Me. You.

Living to Die

Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. -Philippians 1:20-21

Whether by life or by death, Christ will be it--everything. Because my days are used by Christ for the work he has planned, which, by his Spirit, is/becomes my desire, and because dieing allows me to be with him, which my heart and soul cry out for.

Therefore, whether I die or I live, it doesn't matter. Either way, Christ is still being made known--getting the glory he deserves, the love he desires, and his people are able to be made new, and either way, Christ is still LORD.