Science and Calling

Something that one of my professors at Hope said a while ago has been rather stuck in my head:
"I wonder if Satan doesn't use the hardships of grad school to keep us out of the academy"
along with something that someone else (it may have been my pastor? I'm not sure) said
"Persecution comes part and parcel of being a Christian. If you aren't being persecuted, I would question your walk".

As I read about Newton, and the scientists of his era, I am reminded of the creativity inherent in science that seems to be missing. It is interesting to be referred to as a "practitioner" of science, especially when you think of doctors of all kinds getting their degrees before they can open a practice. When I take my articles and my textbooks outside and walk around, things seem lighter, like this was why I entered grad school in the first place: to find a place to explore science. I didn't go to grad school to get a degree. I went to grad school to learn and to explore.

Here is where I am considering scientific scholarship a calling (maybe not My Calling, but a calling nonetheless). I think we toss that word around a lot, but given the persecution I've been facing in the past few months, and the things that remind me why I'm a scientist, I wonder if, in fact, just as the Lord has been steadying me, this is not precisely where I am supposed to be. Not just one of those things where God just opens lots of doors and lets you choose which door to go through, the way he did with Urbana, but this is exactly what I should be doing.

I think what has been adding to the stress is that the persecution hits precisely where it hurts _me_--not other people, but persecution tailored to me. Not the persecution I see other people facing, with deadlines they are struggling to meet, with advisors that are cruel, but, in the absence of deadlines and hired by the rare advisor that actually cares, with internal struggles regarding emotions and sense of purpose and place. That instead of deadlines and advisors breathing down my neck, I have cinder block walls and The Institution trying to steal the creativity and intrigue that make me a scientist, like the ones of old. They observed something in their life that sparked their curiosity and proposed ideas about the phenomenon. The ones that truly saw science as an art, as an exploratory endeavor, instead of the scientists I feel surrounded by where the universe is meant to be solved and mastered, taken apart and put back together.

I think about what God did at IVLI, the particular ways he touched me. There were so many, but the one way that seems to bind the rest together, the undercurrent to that whole month and everything that happened, was that I was not meant to hide. I have spent so many years hiding in corner, shutting up because that was my place and I had nothing worth saying. I wonder that if instead of my plans to hole myself away in a lab because I had to, Jesus gave me confidence to do more than that in my lab; to remind my fellow scientists of the vastness of the universe, the humility and awe that science should inspire. That maybe I will call people to return to the roots of scientific research. To remind them and show them that the values we are asked to exemplify, like integrity, respect, and colleagiality, are values Jesus calls us to as well.

There's that word again: Return. I deeply feel like God is calling us to return to Himself; my soul cries out for it. I wonder if that is not everything my life is about: calling people to return. O, that I may have such a calling...!

Something else I've been thinking about (thanks to books like 'Courage and Calling' and 'Following Jesus in the 'Real' World' and other assorted articles and references to the Karate Kid), and taking great comfort in, is the way that our jobs can serve as avenues of discipleship. The question Jesus has been asking me is not, 'Will you go for me?' but 'Will you stay with me?'. Something that has been echoing in my heart since Urbana (maybe earlier?) is 'SEEK me, THEN follow.' Find me here, meet me here. I've been coming back to the idea of God having all of my days written in his book (Ps 139:16). Regardless of the trials of the days, they are still days written in his book, and only he knows where the days will take me. So my question I have to answer is not 'Do I want to do science for the rest of my life?' (which I don't know) but 'Can I learn and grow by doing science here?' and that answer is a resonant 'Yes.' So, I will stay in this land and grow here, now, in this way. And I think that's all Jesus ever asks us to do, grad school or otherwise. 'What does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.' (Micah 6:8)