At Peace

I was reading over my blog (as I sometimes do--it's so interesting to read how life and my responses to it change over time!) and I realized that I never clarified what the "secret" was that I didn't want to blog about until appropriate parties had been informed.

The surprise was that I had decided to apply for staff part-time with InterVarsity.  This was a big decision for me.  To acknowledge that God has called me to be involved in student ministry involved trusting that God knew my gifts better than I do (because I generally feel I don't have any) and trusting that what I do have to give is worth giving and is needed (because even when I feel I have a gift, I don't always feel like they matter).  I was willing to take the risk to apply, and trust that God would take it from there.  If I applied and never interviewed, okay.  If I interviewed, but didn't get the job, okay.  If I interviewed and got the job, okay!  THEN I would embark on fundraising and all the fun and "fun" stuff I didn't even know about  yet, and trust that God knew what he was doing there, too.  It's how I got to Russia--one step at a time.  (The last half of this entry shares how my trip to Russia was part of the decision to apply for IV staff.)

The next surprise is that...it didn't matter.  It turns out that the area (West Michigan) doesn't really need my skill set.  They are looking for chapter planters (I am a chapter builder--I lack the extroverted, entrepreneur-type gifts to plant new chapters; I work better with existing structures that I can take and rework and encourage and strengthen.), or staff team directors.  And so began a painful 2-3 months of sorting through this news.  Was this a 'No'?  A 'Wait'? A 'Yes, but you need to be willing and ready to leave your home to do this.'  I was not ready to leave my home to do this.  I wanted to be willing, but the truth is that I was not.  "Home" is a very special thing to me--it takes so much energy for me to emotionally invest in a place where I finally feel *safe* that the prospect of leaving my first true church family at Zion, and a job I love, and a chapter I love, and an environment I love for a part-time ministry position was distressing.  And I wasn't getting a clear answer from God.  I risked going to Russia, because God was very clear about it.  I would pray, and God would hardly let the words of the question finish leaving my lips--he would silence the question with his invitation to follow.  But here, God remained silent.  So frustrating!  And so stressful and scary!

November through late/early February was hard.  I didn't know where to go.  I didn't know what to do.  I would pray and get silence in return.  I stopped praying because I was afraid of the silence.  The voices of anxiety crowded my head and my heart and gave me no peace.

But then, the fog lifted.  The voices shut up.  With prayer from others, I'm sure, and helpful conversations with others--an IV staff worker and a professor friend.  I came to understand that my calling was to students.  Period.  My calling wasn't limited to a job.  My calling has always been, and will always be (I think) to students.  To the (older) teens and the young adults, who are trying to make sense of the world.  To encourage them and to challenge them.  How that plays out in my life will be variable, and God will guide me in that.  So for now, I'm doing the right things.  I'm teaching and I'm volunteering.  I'm planning on going back to school for further education so I can teach chemistry, hopefully to college students.  Maybe I'll go on staff with IV later.  Maybe I won't.  Maybe I'll volunteer with the youth ministry at my church.  Maybe I'll hop across the world (back to Russia??) and do something there with students.  Who knows??  God will work it out.

So I have peace again, finally.

For you shall go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
    shall break forth into singing....-Isaiah 55:12 (ESV)