Hexaflexagons: Lesson 1

Another deviation from my norm here of contemplating life and faith:  math.

I have, courtesy of Facebook and YouTube, discovered hexaflexagons. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIVIegSt81k) I am reasonably intrigued by these...things.  I've watched two hexaflexagon videos a few times over, and have spent about 15 minutes so far playing with them myself.  So far, I have learned:

1. They seem to be like this weird multi-messed up Mobius strip...
2. The folds need to be very precise--specifically, all of your vertices of your fold points need to be exact for ease of flipping.

I think that is enough for tonight.  I look forward to sitting down with more paper, a pair of scissors, and a good work surface to explore these orgigam-atical mathematical things of mystery...

Seriously, Mark?

"If you stop to think about your work, what it’s accomplishing, and why you should keep working, you will likely end up very discouraged, start wearing black, and listening to bands fronted by people whose dad did not hug them enough."  --Mark Driscoll

I stop and think about my work, and I am grateful.  I have joy.  It is hard, and I know that inspiring and instructing young minds will never be "done."  But I have joy because each student is one that I can, for the limited time that we interact, encourage and shape.  There's a lot about teaching I love: being creative with my communication and expression, connecting the mundane to the world of chemistry, talking a bout chemistry, being a dork, watching students' lightbulb moments, their questions forcing me to take a closer or different look at "my" subject, encouraging students who are struggling, reminding students that who they are is not wrapped up in a grade, reminding students that there is more to life than grades and major choices, and that God will take them on a fabulous journey, regardless of any of it.  

Is it stressful?  Sure.  Are there days when I feel like teaching sucks? Definitely.  Do I get frustrated with my work?  Yep.  But that's to be expected; nothing in life is ever going to be perfect.  I have *hope* because of who I work for--Jesus.  I have hope because this is where he has called me.  I do not work because that's what I'm supposed to do.  I work because of Jesus.

And, for the record, I love wearing black, I love the bands to which Mark is likely referring to.  I used to do a lot more of it, but those things represent something that is still part of who I am.  It's still a part of my story, my history, and who I am.  And I love my daddy's hugs.

Mark's attitude towards women is disgusting (other blogs around the web have discussed this; no point in rehashing it here, and I'm frankly *repulsed* by it, so I'm not going to touch it anymore), and the snark you have towards those different from you is equally disconcerting, for the above quote was posted just a week apart from this one: "I had to take the dreaded school bus with total strangers. This included the hard edge kids who liked to wear all black, listen to depressing music, and smoke cigarettes because sadly their daddy never hugged them, thereby making them arty."  It reeks of immaturity and snark and nothing of the Spirit.

/ vent

...and now, back to our regularly shceduled programming

"Alister McGrath’s faith biography shows us that the 21st century need not be the story of triumphant atheism or milquetoast do-it-yourself spirituality, but that instead the Spirit is still making disciples out of the least likely persons. " -- Drew McIntyre, here: http://www.ministrymatters.com/all/entry/6551/stones-crying-out-listening-to-former-atheists

A wonderful feminist perspective on bras--that ISN'T "Burn all the bras!"

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/05/wearing-bras-personal-choice/

This article is pretty awesome.  I feel like this is what feminism is about--empowering women to make the choices she wants to make, not making women feel guilty about choices she makes just because they happen to also align with "The Patriarchy."

It's also awesome for the simple fact that it does what lots of internet things have a hard time with these days: It's *balanced*.  She writes about her viewpoint...but leaves space and hell, even welcomes the fact that her readers may feel differently!

As far as the content is concerned, I really appreciate what she had to say.  That wearing bras should be a personal choice.  That if you want to wear one, fine.  If you don't, that's also fine!  Now, as a small-chested woman...

(warning, I will be talking about boobs from here on out, so if this is a no-go subject for you, here's your "Emergency Exit is this way!" cue)

...as a small-chested woman, bras are just difficult for me.  I imagine they probably are for most of us boob-havers, but I will just speak from my experience.  I always get from other women in  my life that I'm "lucky to have small boobs, because I don't need a bra."  Well, that's not entirely true.  I don't need a bra to avoid the pain of drooping boobs.  But without a bra, things just look...angular.  (Other small-chested people, can I get a "Mhmm!"?)  And underwire just never made sense...if you are an A-cup, why the hell do you need underwire?  But most basic bras have underwires, regardless of size.  The wires rarely were placed right on my chest--they would come up too high around the side--not comfortable.

For probably the past three years, I've been investigating those "alternative bra options" she mentions about half-way through, not so much because of a feminist philosophy about bras, but because of the sheer difficulty in finding a bra to fit me well.  Until recently, I thought I was a 34A or perhaps even a little bit smaller...and that was the smallest size you could find in a standard department store's lingerie section.  Maybe 1 out of 20 bras in that size would fit me.  And I was getting tired of trying to find that one bra--especially if once I found it, it then went out of production by the time I needed to buy a new one.  I even tried looking in the little girls section for 32As!!  No such luck.  I've found a lot of these alternative bra options to be helpful and just what I need (and I have a new idea or two, too!).  I'm still trying to refine some of those options and methods, but I've got a solid start on it and that feels good.

For when I do want to "conform to society's expectations" (eg., in professional contexts), I have discovered a miraculous thing: I am not an A cup.  I am actually a B cup!  The problem was the band size: I'm a 32B, not a 34A.  They are sister sizes (so, same breast tissue volume, just distributed a little differently), but the difference is clear: the cup fills appropriately and the placement of any wires now make sense on my body.

I enjoy this freedom to choose how I utilize garments to make myself feel comfortable in my body.  I'm glad someone else recognizes that.  I'm glad that I'm not some "fake half-feminist" for choosing to sometimes choose alternative options, sometimes choose a "normal" bra, and only sometimes choose no bra.  I'd love to try what that Buzzfeed writer did sometime--I've only ever done 1 day out in public (that I can really remember) braless.  I'd be interested in trying an extended experiment, and make those same kinds of notes--how do I feel throughout the day at different situations in different outfits.

Loving this journey of learning how to "do me"--including how I choose to present my body.

Teaching

“Teachers must take on a large agenda: to help students abandon the safety of rote learning; to instruct them in framing and testing hypotheses; and to build a climate of tolerance for others’ ideas, and curiosity about unusual answers, among other things. Teachers who take this path must work harder, concentrate more, and embrace larger pedagogical responsibilities than if they only assigned text chapters and seatwork. They also must have unusual knowledge and skills. They require,for instance, a deep understanding of the material and modes of discourse about it. They must be able to comprehend students’ thinking, their interpretations of problems, their mistakes, and their puzzles. And, when students cannot comprehend, teachers must have the capacity to probe thoughtfully and tactfully. These and other capacities would not be needed if teachers relied on texts and worksheets. In addition, teachers who seek to make instruction more adventurous must take unusual risks, even if none of their students resist. For if they offer academic subjects as fields of inquiry, they must support their actions and decisions as intellectuals, not merely as functionaries or voices for a text.” – University of Michigan Professor David K. Cohen in this paper, “Teaching Practice: Plus Ça Change…”

I'm a Mutt

Speaking of history, I'm a denominational mutt.

Let's see:
I was raised Catholic until I was 11.
Become a Christian when I was 13 at a youth camp run by the Presbyterian Church.
Went to a large, non-denominational contemporary Protestant church in high school that was said to be most closely aligned with the Church of Christ.
Went to a Reformed college (RCA) where I
-participated in the weekly chapel services
-took a class for my Religion 100 requirement called Many Faces of Christianity where we had to attend 4-5 different churches and write a report about them.  I think the professor was Pentecostal.
-took a class for my Religion 200 requirement from a feminist Reformed professor from Canada? Britain? who wore a bow tire and said "she'dule".  (both courses were great, btw)
-attended a contemporary non-denominational church that met in the lunchroom of the middle school because it was an early church plant from a Weslyan church
-participated in a broadly non-denominational evangelical student ministry
Spent a summer at an Assemblies of God church
Spent a year at a contemporary Protestant church that met in a downtown city storefront
Spent three years at a Lutheran Church--Missouri Synod that does contemporary liturgy like I've never seen before (David Crowder next to/ within a self-written liturgy based on Bonhoeffer.  Like a boss.)
Spent a few months at different Luthern Church--ELCA
Spent maybe 10 months at a contemporary Protestant non-denominational church.  Maybe Weslyan with a bit of Vineyard-y flair?

Good gravy.

So I'm looking for a church here.  Next on my list is a Presbyterian church.  Perhaps I'll try searching for a Weslyan or an Episcopalian church. *shrug*

New Old Things

I had a lovely chat with a ministry partner and friend this morning.  He reminded me of helpful things that I had once known and have forgotten.  Little things, like setting a timer for daily prayer times, and having A Spot for them.

And it occured to me that I have a wealth of knowledge from my history with the Lord.

I have been seeking and following Jesus for nearly 15 years.  Fifteen years.  In human terms, that means that I'd be getting my learner's permit to drive.  That I'd be begining to come into my own.

I pondered and prayed about other things, but somehow, I wanted to blog about the simple fact that it has been 15 years.  My, how much that encompasses.  And it's an interesting thing to consider this spiritual age, if you will, in the light of the place I was at when I actually was 15.  When I was actually 15, I was in quite a place as a young high school sophomore, and only two years since God grabbed hold of my heart and life.  How much did God see me through then, and how much he has seen me through since then, no matter the rough patch we're in now.

I belong.

/vague blog update

Next Thursday

I said an odd thing this morning: "My defense is next Thursday."

Up until this point, I had always mentioned the date of my defense as a date--July 2nd.  July 2nd.  This nebulous thing that I was at once excited for and terrified of.  But this morning, I used words which put it in a concrete frame of time.

I am close enough to the date of my defense now that I can say things like "next week."  I am close enough now that I realized last night with a skip of my heart that I needed to figure out what to wear so I can make sure what I want to wear is clean!  (Good thing too, as I decided to wear a skirt which requires dry cleaning.)

It's hard to describe, but I feel like this will be a very important day for me, one that means so much.  I started graduate school 5.5 years ago.  When I left after a year, I felt utterly lost.  I felt like a failure.  Everyone else continued on to do what they had set out to do: write and defend their work.  Me?  I got a part-time job mixing blue goo in a pole barn and sticking it into a spectrometer.  How lame.

But then I did other things.  Important and valuable things.  To me.  Important and valuable things to me.  I volunteered with college students, and guided them and watched them as they followed Jesus, and then I went abroad and taught English to some teenagers and left a little piece of my heart in Russia.  And then I came back and did this absurd thing:  I started teaching college students chemistry.  What.

And then I did another scary thing:  I went back to graduate school.  I voluntarily stuck my foot back into the world of academia, the world where I felt I had failed SO spectacularly.

And now...I'm here.  My defense date is at hand.  I have NOT failed.  Instead, I have grown and thrived, and fallen in love with what I'm doing.  I am happy.

And my defense is next Thursday.

Live Loved

On Tenth Avenue North's facebook page today:

"But we keep pressing on, with our redemption song,
no one can undo what you've done."

What strikes me as the strangest difference between following Jesus and following any other religious leader in history, is at the heart of Christianity, we are called to celebrate and glory in what has God has done for us, not in what we can do for God..

Now, are we live to our lives in grateful response to Him?
Sure.
Are we called to give our lives as a living sacrifice?
Absolutely.
But the key to understanding our obedience is understanding
the word "Therefore," In Romans 12.
"THEREFORE, IN VIEW OF GOD"S MERCY!"
In other words, we don't obey to be accepted, we obey out of the awe we already are.

At the heart of the gospel is I John 4.10
"In this is love, not that we love God, but that He loved us and gave His son as a propitiation for our sins."
Followed up by verse 19, "we love because He first loved us."

Now, I've said this elsewhere before, so forgive me for being redundant, but I fully believe all Jesus really calls us to ever do is live loved. Let me repeat that.
LIVE LOVED.

Every sinister act we ever commit is a result of living unloved.
At the heart of sin, is a skepticism in the Lord's goodness.
It is the terrible lie spoken into the heart of Adam,
and it is the lie we must let the cross put to death in ours.

Hallelujah!
"God proves His love in this, that while we were still sinners,
He died for us."
-Romans 5.8

Where is your focus fixed?
Are you obsessing over what you'll accomplish for God?
Are you stressing over how much or how little you've done to earn acceptance from Him?
My friend, cease your striving.
We are only to be a people of reactionary deeds.
Let us respond to the grace of God.
And when you feel your love for Him is waning,
don't try harder.
Don't beat your chest and say, "I'm gonna love you better God!"
No.
If we love Him because He loved us first,
then whenever we find a deficiency in our love for Him,
there is a good chance it's being caused by a lack of belief
in His love for us.

In other words, let's just focus on His incredible unflappable love for us and let that love spur us on toward loving Him back.
Or to say it this way,
Why should we love God?
Because He started it.

-Mike

The Promise of the Sun

"Saying “I am in love” has never and will never make my depression vanish. But it grounds me in a deeper truth: that I am worth more than my brain, my body, and my brokenness. It reminds me that there are perspectives that are more accurate than mine. It promises that the sunlight will stay a little longer and that new memories await us." --Chad Moses

http://twloha.com/blog/truths-deeper-day

New Things

Last winter, I took a walk.  I had been reading some blogs that said some really fresh things, or maybe old things in fresh ways, and I got off the couch to walk and process.  It also happened to be one of the coldest nights of the season--we had a wind chill warning in effect that night but I wasn't aware of it until I came back home half an hour later.  I processed and prayed about many things that night, but one of the things I came home with was sense of the purpose of this season in my life.  And that was "Little Adventures."  Going places, trying new things and discovering this abundant LIFE that God has given me.

Sometimes I've been consciously aware of choosing these little adventures and sometime not.  Included in these adventures has been taking myself on a real vacation for the first time.  I drove out to Manistee, MI and spend two nights in a hotel that ended up being the perfect cozy little room, with the goal for those few days being spending time at the beach, reading, taking photos, walking, exploring.  Just being.  It was awesome.  I also took an archery class last month.  It was a lot of fun!  It's also meant going to the gym.  And it's also meant trying new driving routes places, and it's also meant going to new stores.  For instance, I am slowly shifting my grocery shopping to Kroger instead of Meijer, just because the environment is calmer to me.  I also tried to go to the liquor store when I wanted to buy some wine instead of going to Meijer (small shops like that can make me uncomfortable if I feel like the owner is watching me all the time, especially when I probably look like an 18-year-old in a liquor store when I'm not), but the place ended up being kind of sketchy, so I didn't.  It's been fun. :)

There are a lot of things that have brought me to this place where this next season is one for little adventures.  I think two of the big things is finally getting a good grasp on the importance of taking care of myself, as a person, and the other being a realization that God has led me through some interesting times over the past 4-5 years that have all led me here, to a place where I am happy.  That God is with me, and for me.

This is an important season as I look ahead to the next one: I'm almost done with my master's.  Oh my gosh, I'm almost done with my master's.  Which means: I have three months to write a thesis and defend it.  Oh. my. gosh.  I am applying for jobs.  Like, real ones.  It's kind of terrifying.  And there are times when it is really overwhelming.  But I know that when I step back from that, I know that it will all be okay.  I know it will.  Because God knows best what is for me, and he will lead me.  I know that it may not look like I expect, but even still, God is good, and has good things for me.

Moments

It's a wonderful thing when certain truths that come to you in your prayer time are affirmed by someone else.

"God looks at all of us as his beloved sons and daughters, and as any good father, He is filled with pleasure when we respond to his love."

"'We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our real capacity to become the image of his Son.' (St. Pope John Paul II)"

--from a snippet from the Catholic parish on campus

Poetry

"USED (twice used) and
a certain blue book
hold promise for the next day when 
the new old self taps
her foot carefully
into the joyous echos 
of discovery."

I wrote this eight(?!) years ago.  It was originally part of poem that hadn't taken off like I'd hoped, but I really liked this stanza, and I guess it does sort of stand on its own.  Anyway.  Every so often, the part of this poem resurfaces in my brain.  This morning was one of those days.  And I thought, you know, I think it's time this poem sees the light of the internet beyond my f-listed livejournal. :)

Thanksgiving

In the midst of all the random "I'm thankful for..." posts that have been smattered all over my facebook newsfeed this month, one person shared a quote about how being grateful was useless unless it was expressed.

Somehow, I find "giving thanks" weird.  I feel grateful and awed, surely.  But somehow, stating it cheapens it, to me, at least.  Because I feel it.  But maybe I need to take the time to write it out.  To stop, and consider.  To be grateful when it is hard to *feel* grateful, particularly around the holidays, when travel sucks, and family hackles rise.

1. I'm grateful for heat.  And no shortage of blankets with which to aid the furnace in keeping me warm when I choose to keep the thermostat turned a little low to keep my my bill manageable.  So I'm grateful to have the choice of heat.  Of knowing that when I come home, after my brief stint in the chill air, I can turn a knob and be warmer 20 minutes later.  Of knowing that even when I turn the thermostat way down when I leave the house, having a house kept at 45 degrees is immeasurably better than a house as cold as it is outside, considerably colder.

2. I'm grateful for the ability to travel.  More specifically, the ability to travel on my own terms, and not have to rely on public transit.  A place to travel to, also.  I could be in another country, on another continent, or on the other side of the country for Thanksgiving.  But, I am within a 5 hour drive from my family, that makes the possibility of traveling for the holiday a possibility.  Oh, and the weather forecasting that let's me plan my travel so I don't drive straight into a snowstorm. ;)

3.  I'm grateful for my work, and I'm grateful for the doors that are opening for my next steps--What's next? Back to West Michigan?  A new place in Illinois? I'm grateful to have found this work and this path.

4. I'm grateful for the friends I have who know the real me.  I am grateful to the people in my life who have helped me see the real me and have helped me to love her.

5. I'm grateful for a 13 year journey with Jesus.  All of those seasons.  All of those moments.  And the pleasure of knowing that I have many more seasons and moments with him to experience.  And knowing that all of those seasons and moments are invited by him. <3 p="">

On the Challenge of Dying a Slow Death to Self

Dying on a cross is a slow death.  It is not a bullet to the temple.

Sin, the Pastor, and the Body

So many pastors in the news over the years being caught in sexual sin.

I'm not saying that pastors are anything other than human.  What I am saying is that there is so much that goes into sinful behavior on this kind of scale that something has to be wrong, not with the pastor, but with how the church relates to the pastor.

What are our hiring practices?  What do they entail?  What kind of support is the pastor getting?  I don't care if the pastor is married or single, a pastor needs pastoral care, too.  A pastor needs friends too.  Where are we, as a Body, failing our pastors in such a way that leads to this many instances of this scope of sin?

The cauldron of my soul after this morning's message

Life. Death. Bodies.

It's all in Scripture, all closely related.  cf. Romans 6:3. Ephesians 2:1-6. 2 Corinthians 4:10-11. 1 Corinthians 6:15-17.

Life. Death. Bodies. Choices. Sides.  Life? or the Adversary?

"Edginess" and the Power of the Spirit

I was talking to a good friend of mine a few weeks ago about mourning our loss of "edginess" in various ways as we grow older and become mommies (in her case) and educational leaders (in my case).  In addition to our spiritual lives, we also share a gothic/punky/alternative sense of fashion, which has mellowed in the past few years for a variety of reasons.

I was thinking about shock value in our culture the other day.  I was thinking about the younger Christian generation's desire to be different than the older Christian's generation, wherein we want to prove that we can be cool too, by not saying that we can't have a beer with our dinner or that we can't ever ever swear.  I was thinking about my defensive hold on the gothic part of my history, my wardrobe, my personality.

And then the Holy Spirit knocked me upside the head.

Our power in this world is not in our "edginess" or our shock value.  Jesus asks us to be meek instead of loud.  In asking us to be meek, he asks us to trust in the power of His Spirit to accomplish the work he has planned.  (cf. 2 Corinthians 4:7)

Five Quick Takes

I haven't posted in a while not because I have not had things to write about, but have had, in fact, too much to write about.

And so, because I need a mental break, and to begin to get things processed, here are five quick blurbs.

A. I wish I had used a different textbook in my undergraduate organic chemistry class.  I have been borrowing a professor's organic book with which to review for the American Chemical Society's standardized organic chemistry test, which I am supposed to pass at a certain level for my graduate coursework.  I don't know if it is more accessible to me because I simply have learned more chemistry over the years, including advanced organic chemistry mechanisms and have taught introductory organic chemistry for 2+ years, or because of the way it is written.  I am inclined to believe the latter.  I have revisited my old organic textbook to check things, and I do understand more of it.  But I feel this textbook (Solomon and Fryhle's 7th ed., for the record) is written in a more intuitive fashion, where ideas are not arranged so much by category (which they are to some extent), but more by relevance.  It seems to me that the ideas are presented in an arrangement where one idea leads progressively into the other, such that the topic is expanded and advanced.

B. I feel like I'm entering a new season of growth in my faith, where faith is less about answers and knowledge and completeness, but more about truly living with Jesus...not just in the Events, but in the waiting, also. You live with people and you read books in silence together and you have breakfast together with eye crusties and evil eyes if you are too perky too early. You say things in anger and you make mistakes, and you talk it out. You stay up far too late in your pjs laughing and chatting. Living with Jesus has to be like that. That rhythm and flow of life together that doesn't depend on having showered and brushed your teeth and having lines rehearsed.

C. It is such a beautiful thing to see the outcome of so many years of uncertainty and struggle.  Jesus was birthing something new 4 years ago when his movement in my heart prompted me to leave the PhD program.  At the time, I had absolutely no clue where he was leading.  None.  But I continued to explore and follow, with many emotions and seasons, in finding jobs, and housing, and going to Russia, and trying my hand at student ministry as at least a part of my career.  And now, I'm here...entering my final year in a master's program, doing chemical education research, going to chem ed conferences, and loving as much of it as I can.  It all seems to fit.  In a beautiful, God-crafted way.  The conference at Grand Valley two weeks ago was such an affirmation of that.

D. New things.  New aspects of old relationships. New season of work and faith. :)

E. Lastly, this article in Time about 50 Shades of Grey is amazing.  It's hilariously written, but it's also a good read, because I also wanted to know what on earth was so amazing about this book, but not wanting to read it to find out, knowing the general premise of the story.  And so, here I find a hilariously written account of what seems to be the non-supernatural pornographic version of Twilight.  In case that is not enough for you to read it, here's a snippet:  "I think I might be the only man who read this book. I did it sneakily, hiding the cover, especially when I was on an airplane, which actually is a good place to read this book because you have access to a barf bag."  Your welcome. :)

Touch and Affection

I think this article is amazing on so many levels:

http://www.theamericanconservative.com/our-starved-for-touch-culture/

"The friendzone is treated as a wasteland not just because we treat sex as an idol, but because friendship and non-sexual affection is written off as irrelevant. Casual dating has been replaced by casual sex; platonic touch has been eclipsed by erotic signalling."

"[I]t’s worth asking if there is something we can do to make non-sexual affection more common generally. At the personal level, that might just mean offering friends hugs more often, and at a societal level, telling and repeating better stories about friendship."

It says so much about our culture's obsession with romantic relationships at the expense of friendships, it says so much about our culture's homophobia, it says so much about caring for the lost and confused.